The Trials of Entitlement

Earlier today I received my first letter of rejection from a management company regarding my tv show pilot “Blowin Up”.  From what I gathered, I don’t think they liked it… 

Parents. Those jerks. Right when we’ve figured out how many Jägerbombs we can take down in a night, they yank out the financial umbilical chord.  So in the unfortunate circumstance that you’re sober and prematurely disconnected from your parent’s financial teat, (*note: old banker boyfriends and lesbian cougars apply here as well) Here are some counter mechanisms—

1) First things first:  Ask for an extension, dummy!  

Fake an anxiety disorder. (Or come to terms with the one you actually have… Where does depression hurt? Deep inside your parents pockets!)  Tell them you’re debating going to law school? (To buy adderall. What did you think I meant?)  Seriously, give mom and dad an iota of hope and you may get a few more months of “libation-support” out of them.  

However, make sure to do this before you drop the bomb that you’re changing your name to “Die-Nasty” and becoming a DJ.  And DO NOT succumb to whining. I REPEAT, NO WHINING! KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE, PEOPLE!! These penny pincher’s have seen civil wars, the holocaust, and a depression to rival the apocalypse… My father was maimed from shrapnel flying at his face in Vietnam, but show him an episode of My Super Sweet 16 and blood pours from every orifice of his body. And for all you first generationers? Your parents made tea out of fucking cardboard. Whining will get you no where fast. And frankly, you’re smarter than that. So keep reading.

2) “A job? Would that make you love me, dad?!”

Yes. It would. Your parents just come from a different generation… One where the “fruits of labor” are actually just fruit. And the concept to “work your way up in the company” wasn’t something predetermined for only foreign exchange students. So short of working a steel mill like your grandparents did at age 5, compassion billows with every 9-5 you tack onto that resume. (that thing that lists your previous work? It’s okay, it’s okay… we’ll get to that.) 

“But DAAaaad, updating my blog IS work! If I don’t comment on Chloe Sevigney’s new bangs the world will stop rotating on it’s access!!” I know. I know. I really feel you on this one. But not everyone understands the discipline it takes to get out of bed at noon, watch videos on Funny or Die until 2pm while dicking it on facebook, sitting in a hipster coffee shop listening to Fedora Guy say things like, “The way I see it, Philip Seymore Hoffman has to play Ned. There’s no way around it.” And unfortunately I’m referring to a job that pays cash money.  Your altruism won’t go unnoticed, standing outside of Whole Foods petitioning for the advancement of Cholos… but it will go unrewarded. You’ll garner more praise working behind a deli counter, than petitioning for the BRU (Barista’s Rights Union.) 

3) Play the poverty card (…and win!)

What’s more heart breaking to a parent than their child living in poverty? Well, if you’re Siri And Joe Steinel - a lot of things, like graduating from Syracuse with a degree in Philosophy… or not placing in the Miss Sparta pageant— But most loving breeds melt at the thought of their child living off nothing, and doing it with a smile. So buck up and call mom for a recipe that’ll make a can of tuna last a week… or if tooth paste can really harm you if ingested as a dessert treat? (Doubt it.) Ask your mom to mail you those old corduroys hanging in your closet from high school. They fit again! So what if you look like you just walked off the set of My So-Called Life? Your wardrobe just doubled!

Parents want to see your frugality at work. So why not send some pictures of the vegetable garden you’re tending to outside the unemployment offices on Franklin and Cahuenga?  Make sure to get a shot of that homeless guy “fertilizing” it in the background.

Follow these simply rules and your parents will be emptying their retirement funds into your BoA account in no time! Jägerbombs anyone?

Anonymous asked: What would your super power be if you could choose one?

I would choose the ability to actually finish things that I sta

Anonymous asked: How come you're so annoying ?

Well, there many factors I could pour into an answer for you… but I’ll just pinch it and blame my parents for abandoning me in a mexican playground when I was 6, and hope that gives you some sufficient insight…. Okay, you can go back to hurting small animals now. 

xo

Laura